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Quasi-Intellectual Humor – Early Season Shopping
By Trent Theroux
3/2/2010 |
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With the triathlon season rapidly approaching I realized that I was low on some essential supplies and decided to stock up early before inventories ran out. Because of clever marketing, and training group peer pressure, the Ironman® brand is the brand I seek out when shopping for all my racing and general life needs. Some of the products I bought this week were:
Ironman Eau de Toilette Spray by Avon - A victorious fusion of energizing lime and exotic spices spiked with rich woods.
G. Chavez writes "My wife gave this to me after I finished my first 70.3 Ironman- what a great gift. It smells great, very clean, crisp, and refreshing, not overpowering or fluffy.” I plan on giving this to my wife so she can sprits me all over with the energizing lime and exotic spices right after completing my 70.3 so we can ride home with the windows up for once.
Ironman Roll-On Anti-Perspirant Deodorant
Angela D. writes "I bought the gift set for my husband and he really liked it. He likes the deodorant better than the store bought kind; it lasts all day and does not leave white marks on his shirts.” Again, my wife will be thrilled that I was considerate of the other competitors by limiting my pungent aroma. And as an added bonus – when I cross the finish line, arms pumped in the air, body caked in salt and sweat, my finishing pictures will look so much better without the white marks I used to have.
Ironman Triple Action Joint & Muscle Roll-On
Got Pain? Well the Ironman Pain Relief products are said to provide fast, soothing relief to overworked muscles, something we as triathletes are fully aware of when training or racing. One good hit on this fatty will release waves of muscle relief while simultaneously initiate cravings for Ironman Powerbars, particularly berry flavored ones. The product line is formulated to provide pain relief with various combinations of natural menthol, camphor, arnica, hemp and horse chestnut oil.
Ironman Delta Spa Table with Carry Bag
Finish your workout with a happy ending. This fully adjustable spa table offers a versatile surface for therapeutic massage and more. Reiki end panels allow easy access for facial treatments.
I also bought some lesser known products this week.
Ironman Press-On Nails
Blackened, damaged or missing toe nails may be badges of honor for hardened triathletes, but they are disgusting eyesores for everyone else. Show off your artificially pedicured m-dots while wearing sandals or open toe shoes.
Ironman Body Composition Scale
Using the impedance reading, gender, height and weight, the scale can quickly and reliably calculate body fat and total body water percentages. The Body Composition scale then offers motivational readouts like:
“Time to back off the Twinkies and Old Milwaukee”
“The producers of the Biggest Loser are holding on line 2”
“Are you looking to race as an Athena this year?”
I was insulted and in desperate need of a long weekend workout. Unfortunately, I made arrangements to attend a gardening class with my spouse in the middle of the day on Saturday. So, I bought…
Ironman Other Man
For the triathlete who leaves his spouse alone too long, Ironman provides a stable of willing studs to take care of your spouse’s “down time.” We know you lose focus thinking about how angry she’ll be when you get home and immediately want a nap. Eradicate the spousal guilt you feel going on a 90 mile ride followed by a 5 mile run. Our discreet “race officials” will provide a quick transition so both of you can enjoy your ride.
While I was working out, my spouse contacted Ironman Home Decors LLC of Phoenix, AZ who recommended purchasing…
Ironman Official Mattress Collection
The Official Ironman Mattress Collection was developed as a way to address the particular sleep needs of today’s athletes and lonely spouses by focusing on components within the mattress that are clinically proven to enhance recovery while sleeping.
Not to seem gauche I also purchased…
Ironman Bedding
The hypoallergenic quality fused with 1,000 count 100% Egyptian cotton will yield a stylish and functional appeal.
While using the Ironman Other Man, on the Ironman Mattress, under the Ironman Bedding hopefully she will use –
Ironman Condoms
Show her just how long 140.6 is!
I nearly maxed out my credit cards buying all these marvelous products on this pre-season spending spree. So, I decided to get some financial planning help from.
Ironman Financial
#801 5920 Macleod Trail S
Calgary, Alberta
T2H 0K2
They told me that for spending so much on these wonderful Ironman® products I should get a sponsorship deal from the company. Regrettably, I informed the financial planners that I wasn’t a high enough caliber of an athlete to warrant a sponsorship deal from Ironman®.
But, maybe I should call the people at Old Milwaukee?
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